My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
