i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
