haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
