Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
