she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
