Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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