his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
