so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We have started to decorate penises.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
