I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
