I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
