I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
