You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
It's never too late to be topless.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
