i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
