Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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