I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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