If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
