I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
