i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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