dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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