This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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