Will you blow on my dice?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
