3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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