he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize