90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
