This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
