got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
