were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize