There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
