so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
