I cannot find my penis.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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