..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
