Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
