i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
