Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
