yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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