The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
