Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
