i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
