I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
