drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
