Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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