giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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