please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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