I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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