Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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