I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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