At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
They have beer where we have blood.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
