First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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