I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
