Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize