Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
