Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
