You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I think I am morally bankrupt
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
