I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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