and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
