Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
