I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
