Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
