Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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