Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
