She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
