I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
