Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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