life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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