Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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