I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
