Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
